Two Weeks To Go

October 23, 2010

I can’t believe how fast the time is going by.  It feels like just yesterday I found out that I was going to be in the faire.  This is the moment I was dreading.  The moment when the nerves set in and the feelings of not being prepared enough creep over me.  I’ve really had a hard time focusing this week, I’ve been exhausted from my real job and not sleeping well.  Not to mention that by this time next week, I’ll be 30.  That’s a weird thing to type.  It feels like it should be a turning point, a big moment when everything becomes clear as soon as you blow out the candles.  But, really, it’s just another day.  I can’t tell you how much I’ve hoped in the past for a “big moment” to happen: to all of a sudden feel different and new like waking up from a dream and finally seeing things the way they really are.  These moments are only found in fiction.  In movies and books, there’s always the moment of epiphany, where the hero puts it all together and in one instant understands everything.  I don’t know if I believe in epiphanies.  It always seems like life moves gradually forward, no matter what, without major changes in direction and understanding.  All knowledge comes in pieces and understanding takes time.  Lots of time, usually.

People have told me that once you hit 30, things change.  You start to really know yourself and know what you want.  You put away the things you want that are impractical and unlikely, and you focus on the things that you can really do.  I’m scared that that is true.  I’m scared that the dreams of my youth will begin to seem silly if I don’t start to make them come true.  That’s why I’m doing this.  I want to do it before I give up.  There is some hope though.  There is a magician who has been my teacher ( I feel like I can call him that, I’ve read and re-read his books so many times watched his videos and met him in person  a couple of times) who has inspired me more than any other.  His name is Eugene Burger.  He is, in my opinion, one of the greatest magicians of (at least) the last century.  And although his magic has always sparked my imagination, it’s his story of how he began in magic that really resonates with me.

Eugene Burger, My Hero

After having worked at a government job for many years, he quit at age 40 to be a magician.  He had never done a magic show before, but it was where his passion was.  With only enough money in the bank for 4 months of rent, he had his work cut out for him.  But now, 30 years later, he is one of the top magicians out there.  He writes books, performs at some of the fanciest parties in Chicago, and flies all over the world doing what he loves.  He did it.  That means there’s hope that I can do it too.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to quit my job or anything.  But I do sometimes like to think about it.

Maybe what happens as you grow older is you realize just how much you have to loose if you don’t try for something you really want.  The longer you live, the clearer you see the consequences of settling.  And maybe you stop caring so much about what other people think about, well, everything.  If that’s the case, I can’t wait to get older.

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